For My Life and Simplicity's Sake

Today was my last day at work. I will be starting a new job on Monday. I've stepped off my intended career trajectory without understanding what it will mean for my future, which is a very challenging thing for me. Knowing I'm on a path forward, moving toward something definite and being dutiful to what I think I "should" be, have always been great comforts to me. Comfort in the sense that you believe you can see what's ahead clearly, which is of course, the illusion of control.

At the same time these "comforts" have also been so restrictive that I couldn't step off the path without severe anxiety. The irony is that I've put myself through hell trying not to stray from what I was "supposed" to do, which in turn caused the most extreme internal discord I have ever experienced. So much so, that it took a severe toll on my mental and physical health.

I've spent the last year feeling like a square peg in a round hole. No matter how much I wanted to do good or help people or persevere, I knew in my heart I could not continue. This was sad and a struggle to me, because under other circumstances, it might have been the right job for me. What I can say calmly now and with certainty is that it wasn't the right place and time for me. That's not something I can control or decide. That just is.

So, I found a new job and made the choice to take it for my life and for simplicity's sake. I need to be well. I need to find balance. I am looking forward to building my sense of self and living richly outside work.

That being said, it was hard for me to leave today. I cried when I had to move my boxes out of my office. I didn't expect that. I guess it shows my dedication and sense of duty, even when continuing to do something meant hurt.

I've learned a lot in a short time and for that I am appreciative. Right now I'm giving myself the freedom to not know what's next, down the road, or forever. I'm going to focus on being rather than doing.